


Cryptozoology for Dummies: Soho Edition

by bravenclaw



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale and Crowley are Cryptids, Found Family, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Original Character-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Queer Characters, Texting, Trans Warlock Dowling, What Is a Cis-Het?, mentions of abusive family, mentions of transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23048461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bravenclaw/pseuds/bravenclaw
Summary: When one individual lives in the same place for long enough, the surrounding community will begin to pick up on said individual's idiosyncrasies. This coffee shop has the best crullers known to man, that homeless woman has a photographic memory and a knack for avoiding trouble, these particular leather-clad young men are just looking out for stray dogs and cats in need of a home, etc.When one individual lives in the same place for hundreds of years and has all of the idiosyncrasies of an angel with a demon (who sometimes is more snake-like than others) for a spouse, no amount of caution could keep people from noticing.Or, in other words: Aziraphale and Crowley are cryptids, and the power of the Internet and some particularly audacious teenagers will combine to make for an interesting few months for all.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale & Warlock Dowling, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Warlock Dowling, Warlock Dowling & Adam Young, Warlock Dowling/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 136





	1. Introducing A.Z. Fell

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my new masterpiece! I'm always 2 chapters ahead when I post, and I have all 10 chapters outlined right now. Just uploading now because I figured we needed some help with Quarantine and all.  
> Updates weekly.

**WE HERE WE QUEER WE NEED BEER**

_2:12 AM_

  
_turndownforbutt_ _has logged in_  
 _turndownforbutt_ : hey is anyoe up?  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : yo  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : why tf are you up?  
 _turndownforbutt_ : welp  
 _turndownforbutt_ : long story short  
 _turndownforbutt_ : mom found that binder you gave me last week  
 _turndownforbutt_ : and now im down one house, two parents, and im up one black eye  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : holy FUCK  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : are you ok do I need to come get you? where are you?  
 _turndownforbutt_ : calm down I have a place to spend the night  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : did you just tell ME to calm down?  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : who are you and what have you done to justin?  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : first wanda now you wtf  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : im gonna call the others  
 _turndownforbutt_ : mason mason mason stop  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I promise its me  
 _turndownforbutt_ : and I promise I am somehow okay  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I dont know how im so calm rn i think it’s the hot chocolate  
 _turndownforbutt_ : mr fell made it and I think hes somehow magic bc its literally better than that place we got mulled wine from last christmas  
 _booyouwhore has logged in_  
 _booyouwhore_ : hold tf up  
 _booyouwhore_ : did you take a drink from a stranger?  
 _turndownforbutt_ : well yes  
 _turndownforbutt_ : but mr fells alright  
 _booyouwhore_ : I need so many more answers  
 _turndownforbutt_ : ok so  
 _turndownforbutt_ : mom went digging around in my room bc “you’ve been acting funny darling girl”  
 _turndownforbutt_ : which is already blech  
 _turndownforbutt_ : but she was looking for a pregnancy test or used condoms or some shit? idk man she wasnt super coherent  
 _turndownforbutt_ : and she found the binder cuz I havent had a chance to find an actual hiding place for it yet  
 _turndownforbutt_ : and I doubt it would have been a big deal cuz she doesn’t know the first thing about trans stuff but it was with the stash of papers I got from wanda about transitioning and stuff  
 _turndownforbutt_ : there was no going back from that. moms not actually an idiot  
 _turndownforbutt_ : and she got dad who grabbed me and started shaking me and yelling in my face and using my deadname and all this trans hate language  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I dont remember all the details, its all super fuzzy, but basically I think I shut down? Yall know how I get in stressful situations  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I was in full panic attack mode  
 _turndownforbutt_ : well dad didnt like me going all nonresponsive like that, so he pushed me down the stairs  
 _booyouwhore_ : HE DID WHAT  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : unrelated but @bonnie, you wanna help me commit a murder?  
 _booyouwhore_ : name the time and fucking place, babe  
 _turndownforbutt_ : DO NOT KILL MY DAD  
 _booyouwhore_ : name one reason why tf not  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : …tick tock  
 _turndownforbutt_ : …he’s not worth the jail time?  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : you are though  
 _turndownforbutt_ : its gonna be all hands on deck when raven finds wanda though  
 _booyouwhore_ : okay ill give you that  
 _turndownforbutt_ : yeah, anyway that’s how I got the black eye  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : you got pushed down the stairs and only got a black eye? Iconic  
 _turndownforbutt_ : im just as surprised as you  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I was so fucking sure that I at least broke my arm, and I thought maybe I had a concussion or something  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I was super fucking dizzy and I was sure I was gonna throw up  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : but you’re okay?  
 _turndownforbutt_ : ya, I promise  
 _turndownforbutt_ : but after that I jst kinda booked it out of there  
 _booyouwhore_ : yeah no kidding  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I dont really remember the next bit, I just know that somehow I ended up in soho  
 _booyouwhore_ : damn you travelled  
 _turndownforbutt_ : yeah, but it just meant I was panicked and tired and in pain in a part of town I know fucking nothing about  
 _turndownforbutt_ : and that’s when I met mr fell  
 _booyouwhore_ : you mentioned him before, who he?  
 _turndownforbutt_ : hes this old guy who owns this super dusty bookstore out here in soho  
 _turndownforbutt_ : who could not have been sending out gayer vibes istg  
 _turndownforbutt_ : apparently he saw me stumbling around hyperventilating on the pavement so he invited me in for a cuppa and a shoulder to lean on  
 _turndownforbutt_ : he got me ice for my head and my wrist and made sure I didnt have anything worse than the black eye and then he got me hot chocolate  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I swear just being in here is like the most calming thing ever  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : did he fucking drug you or  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I dont feel drunk or high or stoned at all, just. Calm  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : that’s fucking spooky  
 _booyouwhore_ : agreed you don’t do calm  
 _turndownforbutt_ : idk I think its just how fell reacted to me telling him about everything  
 _turndownforbutt_ : like its bad but instead of just telling me its gonna get better hes actually like HELPING me  
 _turndownforbutt_ : like rn he’s getting me numbers for a therapist who owes him a favor (?) to help with my anxiety and dysphoria and shit and a shelter for queer youth downtown for me to stay at?  
 _turndownforbutt_ : and he lent me a charger for my phone and he says im welcome to come back if I ever need a shoulder to cry on or whatever  
 _turndownforbutt_ : not that I think I could find my way back here if I tried but still  
 _confirmedbachelor_ : so you’re actually okay?  
 _turndownforbutt_ : yknow…I think I am  
 _turndownforbutt_ : and I think im on my way to get even better  
 _hobbithole has logged in_  
 _hobbithole_ : whoa what the fuck are you all doing up? did someone find wanda?  
 _booyouwhore_ : scroll up babe  
 _hobbithole_ : wait justin is being optimistic wtf  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I know dude  
 _turndownforbutt_ : I think its a miracle


	2. Searching for Mr. Fell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Squad goes looking for Mr. Fell's bookshop, only to be foiled by poor memory and sense of direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *w. dowling enters the chat*  
> Don't ask me what app/chat room they're in, I don't have the faintest idea

**SOHO SEARCH SQUAD: ‘SSEMBLE**

_11:37 AM_

_turndownforbutt_ : this is a bad idea

 _booyouwhore_ : who else misses optimistic justin?

 _hobbithole_ : me

 _petricorvid_ : me

 _altariawe_ : me

 _confirmedbachelor_ : idk I like him just fine

 _booyouwhore_ : ya but you two are shagging so you don’t count

 _turndownforbutt_ : I hate you all

 _confirmedbachelor_ : FFS WE ARE NOT SHAGGING

 _hobbithole_ : not yet

 _altariawe_ : im guessing its only gonna take a couple more months of peer pressure til you are tho

 _confirmedbachelor_ : yall suck

 _hobbithole_ : yall

 _altariawe_ : yall

 _booyouwhore_ : yall

 _petricorvid_ : we spendin too much time together mason

 _confirmedbachelor_ : I will murder each of you in cold blood I swear

 _petricorvid_ : can we get back to the task at hand pls?

 _hobbithole_ : YES GENERAL RIGHT AWAY GENERAL

 _petricorvid_ : fuck you

 _hobbithole_ : ew no thanks

 _turndownforbutt_ : we’re officially in soho and I don’t recognize literally anything

 _hobbithole_ : honestly how do you find your own ass you’re hopeless

 _altariawe_ : probably by the stick shoved up it

 _altariawe_ : sry sry sry justin ily

 _turndownforbutt_ : its fine you’re not wrong

_sistersinister has logged in_

_petricorvid_ : WANDA OMG YOU’RE ALIVE

 _sistersinister_ : hey babe yeah im fine

 _petricorvid_ : what do you mean fine none of us have seen you in days

 _sistersinister_ : some dumbass terrorist kidnapped me again

 _sistersinister_ : IM OKAY THOUGH

 _petricorvid_ : im sorry WHAT

 _hobbithole_ : holy fuck

 _turndownforbutt_ : and I thought I had a rough week

 _petricorvid_ : babe what even happened

 _sistersinister_ : I really don’t wanna talk about it right now im just waiting for the suits to finish processing the scene before I go home

 _sistersinister_ : tell me what’s going on with yall

 _altariawe_ : I’ll tell you, but first: you know you can talk to us right?

 _sistersinister_ : yea I know, im just covered in blood (not mine!) and I just don’t wanna think about anything going on around me rn

 _sistersinister_ : and my dads here pretending like I don’t exist and like his dumb fucking job didn’t land me in this gd mess

 _sistersinister_ : so please, for the love of Somebody, pls tell me what bullshit yall are burrowing into

 _confirmedbachelor_ : first of all, I resent that

 _confirmedbachelor_ : second of all, blood???

 _altariawe_ : what mason means is, we’re trying to find the guy who helped justin after his parents found his binder and kicked him out

 _sistersinister_ : woah what

 _turndownforbutt_ : yeah dad pushed me down a staircase

 _hobbithole_ : and the more we thought about it, the more it seemed unlikely that justin JUST had a black eye

 _hobbithole_ : he should have had so much worse than that – a concussion at least

 _turndownforbutt_ : and by all rights I shoulda been having a panic attack like no ones business

 _turndownforbutt_ : or at least that hungover feeling that comes after

 _confirmedbachelor_ : but he was totally Zen, kept going on about the guy’s hot chocolate

 _booyouwhore_ : and how “calming” he was

 _sistersinister_ : this guy have a name?

 _turndownforbutt_ : he introduced himself as mr. fell

 _sistersinister_ : oh

 _petricorvid_ : what?

 _sistersinister_ : its nothing

 _altariawe_ : wanda

 _sistersinister_ : he just reminds me of one of the staff from when I was a kid

 _hobbithole_ : y- to the -ikes

 _sistersinister_ : no no no not like that

 _sistersinister_ : when things in the house would get intense he would always make me hot chocolate

 _sistersinister_ : like even when it was over 35 degrees

 _sistersinister_ : but it was always perfect

 _sistersinister_ : and we’d sit in the garden while he watered and weeded and stuff

 _sistersinister_ : by the time someone called me back inside id just feel so Loved

 _sistersinister_ : when he left just before I turned 11 it was like he took all the calm with him

 _altariawe_ : just before you turned 11? isnt that when your first nanny left?

 _sistersinister_ : yeah, i always figured they left together. i never saw them together, but you could just tell by the way their eyes would meet sometimes that they loved each other

 _sistersinister_ : I think I was the only one who noticed though

 _sistersinister_ : I think I was the only one who knew what nanny looked like when she was looking at someone she loved

 _sistersinister_ : brother francis, too, for that matter, as much as he liked to say he loved all god’s creatures

 _sistersinister_ : but then again, they left me, so what did I really know?

 _petricorvid_ : oh honey

 _altariawe_ : how do you know your mom didn’t fire them? you know what shes like with the help

 _sistersinister_ : oh please mom loved them. she begged them to stay. I heard her. and then they were gone

 _sistersinister_ : they didn’t even say goodbye

 _hobbithole_ : maybe we should turn this “looking for mr. fell” thing into a “looking for wandas nanny and brother francis” thing

 _turndownforbutt_ : why?

 _hobbithole_ : so I can personally tell them that they done fucked up

 _confirmedbachelor_ : im down for that. we arent getting anywhere with this whole fell thing anyway

 _petricorvid_ : yeah speaking of where are yall?

 _sistersinister_ : shit I really really didn’t mean to make this all about me im so fucking sorry

 _altariawe_ : nothing to apologise for, love. you know we’re always here for you

 _hobbithole_ : yeah hearing about your childhood is always worth the price of admission

 _booyouwhore_ : what harry means is that we have gotten exactly nowhere in this great search

 _booyouwhore_ : we’ve just been wandering around soho like the blind leading the blind

 _confirmedbachelor_ : turns out looking for a bookstore around here is a lot easier said then done

 _turndownforbutt_ : and fell’s not on google maps, we already checked

 _hobbithole_ : so we’re just sitting at a coffee shop justin knows for Sure he passed that night watching people pass and hoping one of them is fell

 _petricorvid_ : ah yes

 _petricorvid_ : a solid fucking plan

 _turndownforbutt_ : we’re just about to go, but I think we’ll come back

 _altariawe_ : I will, if no one else does. they got killer crumpets

 _hobbithole_ : killer crumpets: the name of my the pretenders cover band

 _booyouwhore_ : lmao

 _confirmedbachelor_ : bonnie we’re at the same table, i happen to know you are not in fact laughing your ass off

 _booyouwhore_ : fuck off

 _turndownforbutt_ : if nothing else, this is a great place to go to get away from school and the shelter

 _petricorvid_ : as you could ever find it by yourself lol

 _turndownforbutt_ : this is literally what google maps is for

 _sistersinister_ : tbh the fact that you can find the gmaps app on your phone is a miracle

 _turndownforbutt_ : Oh My God ENOUGH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploading this on my birthday woot woot  
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated  
> Stay safe and healthy (or as much of either as is possible for you)  
> All my love, y'all xxx


	3. Dowling Drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven and Wanda talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The young Miss Dowling goes by Wanda now. This is all angst, so read with caution.

_1:33 AM_

_Receiving call from “That’s So Raven <3” _

“Hullo?”

“Hi, babe. You gonna be home soon?”

“I’m halfway through a layover in France. My flight to London should be start boarding in a little less than an hour.”

“Good. I miss you, love.”

“I miss you, too. I missed you the whole time those fuckers had me.”

“I missed you the whole time, almost more than I was out of my mind worried about you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Save your sorries for when you need them, love. You did nothing wrong.”

“If I were still under government protection –”

“If you were still under government protection, it would be because you were still following the path your so-called parents set forth for you. You would still be going by that God awful name they came up for you, you would have had to give up your writing _and_ your music, and you would have been swallowing down all the things that make you the beautiful, headstrong, occasionally terrifying woman I fell in love with.”

“…I really wish I could be there right now. All of that is so much easier to believe when I can look you in the eyes.”

“I’ll say it again when you get home. I’ll say all of the wonderful things I love about you a dozen times over if it helps when you get here.”

“And you’ll be big spoon tonight?”

“Duh, babe. And if you need someone to hold onto as well, Emily is off duty tonight, and she’s offered to come over and soak up all the angst.”

“She’s a fucking life-saver, I swear.”

“She is.”

“Do you ever feel like…”

“Yeah?”

“It’s stupid.”

“I doubt that, but you know I’m here for you, even at your dumbest.”

“You ever feel like you can’t quite believe how you got so lucky? To have our friends? To have this whole relationship?”

“Sometimes, but that’s usually the self-loathing. I try not to listen to it.”

“It’s just really hard right now to believe this is my life. My first memory is of Nanny Ashtoreth singing to me about how I’ll crush the world under my boot. The way she and Brother Francis raised me for the first decade of my life felt like it was in preparation to be… I don’t know, something bigger than this."

"..."

“And even after they left, I read all these books about kids finding this greatness inside them that they never knew about, and I thought that was gonna be me. And then I was in high school, and I thought I was gonna be discovering all this power and the person I was supposed to be, but I was just hating the fact that I had a penis and shaving my chin obsessively every couple hours once I started growing stubble and feeling like crawling out of my skin every time someone called me by my deadname. And not just because I was trans, but also it started to feel more and more like fate fucking taunting me. Like, I would have given anything to be a warlock, let alone just Warlock. But I was just this queer kid who didn’t fucking care about economics and poli-sci and just wanted to daydream through every second of every day like it could make up for how fucking powerless I felt.”

“Oh, love…”

“It’s all I could think about ever since those fucking thugs drugged me on the street and I woke up wherever they had me. They had me locked up in some enclosed metal cage – like Toph from Avatar, y’know? – and I couldn’t see anything or hear anything except for when they banged on the sides and yelled threats through the air holes. I thought about how Nanny always said I would crush my enemies under the soles of my shoes or some shit. And when I fucking peed on myself for the first time, since they wouldn’t let me out to pee or crap or anything, I thought about how she talked about the hellfire I would rain on Earth the moment I felt even the slightest annoyance. And when I finally got out, and I was devouring the granola bar one of the SWAT team happened to have on them – my first fucking food in days, and it was a stale, sat-on granola bar – right under my dad’s nose while he’s pretending this whole thing was somehow my fault, and I’m covered in one of the terrorist’s blood and my own piss and shit and tears and sweat, and I’m shaking like a fucking leaf and no one fucking notices, no one fucking _cares_ that I’m still fucking _terrified_ , I thought about Brother Francis, and how I would do anything for a cup of his hot chocolate right now.”

“Babe…”

“…”

“It’s okay, let it out. Oh, my love.”

“…I didn’t think Dad was gonna come get me, you know? This is the first time I’ve been kidnapped since I left home, since they disowned me. And when I woke up there, I really thought I was gonna die there.”

“…”

“I prayed, you know. For the first time in years, I prayed. And not just to God, but to anyone and everyone I could think of. Even Nanny and Brother Francis. Hell, _especially_ to Nanny and Brother Francis. Heh, I was actually a little disappointed when my dad showed up, and not them. At least they would have pretended to care about me.”

“…I’m gonna hug you so hard when I see you.”

“…I’m gonna let you.”

“Good.”

“And could you call Emily for me? I think I’m gonna need more than one person with me tonight. Especially since you’ve got class in the morning.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Raven…”

“No, don’t ‘Raven’ me. I e-mailed my professors hours ago. Told them I couldn’t possibly go to class tomorrow. I e-mailed yours, too, filled them in on your situation. Just the basics, of course.”

“…You didn’t have to do that.”

“No, I did not. But I chose to do that, for you, and for me. Because I don’t think I go to class when I know that you’re home and hurting. You come first for me.”

“God knows why.”

“God’s got nothing to do with it, babe. And like I said, I am happy and willing to tell you all the wonderful reasons I am thrilled to spend a day with you tomorrow.”

“…I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

“…The plane’s just started boarding.”

“Yeah, I heard the announcement. But one thing, real quick?”

“Yeah?”

“Wanda Ashtoreth Dowling, you may not be able to crush your foes under your heel or bring down hellfire at the slightest inconvenience or metalbend yourself out of whatever traps your father’s enemies come up with, but to me, you are the most magical person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. And that’s a damn fact.”

“…It’s a damn miracle, is what it is. Anyway, I’m boarding now. I love you, and I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you, too. Safe travels, babe.”

_Call ended_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things for Wanda and Co. will start to pick up next week, I promise.  
> Let me know if this was hard to follow, I can change the bolding/italization to make it easier.  
> Kudos and comments make quarantine bearable!  
> xxx


	4. Not So Soft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Raven meets Crowley (as a snake ofc) and Aziraphale (as a snake defender and jealous hoarder of books). Terror and hilarity ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, upon further reconsideration, please accept these (brief) character profiles of my OCs (totally just for clarity and not cuz I love them lol)  
> TurnDownForButt: Justin O'Neil, Irish transboy (he/him). Tiny anxious baby but loves his friends with his whole baby gay heart  
> ConfirmedBachelor: Mason Mallory, native London enby (he/him). Lives in The House. Little shit but not intentionally. Loves Justin with his whole weathered gay heart  
> BooYouWhore: Bonnie Westley, Welsh bi disaster (she/her). Vodka aunt, but a lightweight. Tiny but vicious. Lives in The House.  
> HobbitHole: Harry Gallahad. Scottish ace enby (they/them - but "gender is a construct and a shitty one at that"). Absolute madlad. Struggles with the social contract but is 110% Ride or Die. Lives in The House.  
> Petricorvid: Raven Porter. Black American lesbian(she/her). Her parents are Wanda's father's much more successful/competent colleagues who love and support both of their daughters. Teen bestie turned true love. Shares a room with Wanda in The House. Permanent goth phase.  
> Altariawe: Emily Greaves. Irish trans bi mom friend (she/her). The eldest, studying to be a social worker, lives on campus as the most loving and supportive RA in the city. Pure cinnamon roll, too good for this world.

**IN THIS HOUSE WE LOVE AND SUPPORT WANDA DOWLING**

_3:30 PM_

_petricorvid_ : hey babe you know snakes, right?

 _sistersinister_ : yessss??????

 _altariawe_ : aren’t you supposed to be hunting for that book for your lit class?

 _hobbithole_ : sssissstersssinissster

 _booyouwhore_ : hyuck hyuck hyuck

 _sistersinister_ : can you pls explain love?

 _petricorvid_ : if I sent you a pic of a giant fucking snake that INEXPLICABLY happens to be just fucking sitting in this fucking ass dusty ass bookstore fucking STARING at customers until they fucking leave

 _petricorvid_ : can you tell me if its poisonous or venomous or otherwise murdertastic?

 _booyouwhore_ : I bbelieve I speak for all of us when I say WHAT the FUCK

 _sistersinister_ : DO ITNOW

 _petricorvid_ : [pic13538548]

 _petricorvid_ : well?

 _altariawe_ : whilst I am in no way a snake expert

 _altariawe_ : I would not take the FUCKING chance

 _booyouwhore_ : seconded

 _hobbithole_ : fucking rad as hell where are you

 _booyouwhore_ : you have so much to live for hon

 _petricorvid_ : some fucking random bookstore, ive been going practically door to door

_confirmedbachelor logged in_

_confirmedbachelor_ : hey guys

 _confirmedbachelor_ : ...the fucK

 _petricorvid_ : yes thank you for the fucking commentary OH MY GOD ITS HISSING AT ME WTF DO I DO

 _hobbithole_ : HISS BACK ESTABLISH DOMINANCE

 _booyouwhore_ : do NOT

 _petricorvid_ : TOO LATE

 _altariawe_ : @wanda wyd? what kind of death is your lovely gf in for and why are you not bearing witness as we speak?

 _sistersinister_ : ...after much research and many heart palpitations I can safely say that there is no record fucking ANYWHERE that suggests such a snake even fucking EXISTS

 _sistersinister_ : babe if you have not already been gruesomely murdered GTFO NOW

 _sistersinister_ : babe?

 _confirmedbachelor_ : man do I have fucjing terrible timing

 _sistersinister_ : RAVEN????

 _hobbithole_ : press f to pay respects

 _sistersinister_ : HARRY I WILL VIVISECT AND DISEMBOWEL YOU THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT WHY DID YOU TELL THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TO HISS AT THE MURDER SNAKE

 _petricorvid_ : im the love of your life?

 _sistersinister_ : BABE!!!!!!!!!

 _altariawe_ : RAVEN WHERE WERE YOU

 _booyouwhore_ : YOU’RE ALIVE

 _hobbithole_ : are we ignoring the “love of my life” bit

 _petricorvid_ : no??

 _sistersinister_ : yes (for now). not a discussion for the peanut gallery

 _confirmedbachelor_ : rude

 _petricorvid_ : fair

 _altariawe_ : you are both so valid and so fucking cute

 _sistersinister_ : excuse me I am not cute I am the destroyer of worlds

 _booyouwhore_ : okay now seriously what the FUCK did you fistfight a snake?

 _altariawe_ : the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive yanno

 _petricorvid_ : no it just like smiled? or at least looked like it was smiling? and then the owner came out of fucking nowhere

 _petricorvid_ : and he just lit into me about being mean to his snake and how the “poor dear” hadn’t done a thing to deserve such impudence

 _hobbithole_ : impudence? who the fuck talks like that?

 _petricorvid_ : owners of bizarrely organized antique bookstores and giant murder snakes?

 _sistersinister_ : but you’re okay? you didnt get hurt?

 _petricorvid_ : physically? Im fine, no one touched me. emotionally? Im fucking scarred

 _petricorvid_ : like as im getting railed out by this old lunatic I couldnt help bt think about how the classics describe angels? like I fully believed he coulda smited me if he wanted

 _hobbithole_ : wicked

 _booyouwhore_ : harry you have no tact

 _hobbithole_ : never claimed to

 _sistersinister_ : but you’re okay

 _petricorvid_ : yes, im fine. I just cant believe that the ONLY bookshop in ALL of london to have the ONE book I SPECIFICALLY need just happens to have a murder snake and a terrifying scaly

 _altariawe_ : you think he’s fucking the snake? seriously?

 _petricorvid_ : idk maybe? it just seemed fucking strange how impassioned he got, let alone the fact that the snake just has free fucking roam over the bookshop

 _booyouwhore_ : still a stretch to bestiality

 _sistersinister_ : ...is it weird that this is the second bookstore owner to remind me of brother francis in less than like a week?

 _booyouwhore_ : um...yes?

 _altariawe_ : in what way?

 _sistersinister_ : like even tho nanny was usually the one who would teach me about all of the dark shit like proper summoning rituals and the value of low level aggressions over time rather than outright immediate rebellion

 _sistersinister_ : but like she steered clear of snakes but brother francis ADORED them. he would always go on about how lovely and underrated they were

 _booyouwhore_ : are you sure he wasn’t a scaly?

 _sistersinister_ : I WOULD PREFER NOT TO CONSIDER MY CHILDHOOD CARETAKER’S POTENTIAL KINKS PLS AND TY

 _hobbithole_ : lmao as entertaining as this is

 _altariawe_ : lol poor baby

 _hobbithole_ : I wanna meet the impossible snake. I would be willing to get the book in exchange, so the question is:

 _hobbithole_ : raven where ARE you

 _petricorvid_ : ummmm

 _confirmedbachelor_ : hi this is justin – do you have a DEATH WISH???

 _altariawe_ : why do you have mason’s phone?

 _confirmedbachelor_ : nunya business

 _petricorvid_ : oh fucking hell

 _sistersinister_ : what??

 _petricorvid_ : A.Z. Fell and Co.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience, this has been harder to write than I expected. Partially bc I never realized just how much I depend on physically sharing a space with my friends 4-5 times a week.  
> Kudos and comments get me through the funk and protect me from my nation's BS.  
> Love y'all stay indoors, wear a mask, wash your hands, stay 6 ft away, and be safe! Be careful y'all xxx


	5. Introducing Anthony J(anthony) Crowley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes to A.Z. Fell & Co. to A) pet the Murder Snake, B) get Raven's book, and C) offer thanks in Justin's stead.  
> ...Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarification, Justin is moving out of the youth center, not because he has to, but because he and Mason got their shit together and finally started dating. Mason's all-or-nothing attitude urged him to ask him to move in immediately, and Justin, uncharacteristically mellow and content following certain *activities*, agreed.  
> Wanda's therapist, a specialist and an old friend of Raven's parents, lives in Chelmsford, which Google tells me is an hour's drive outside of London. Usually they Skype, but once every couple months (or for especially fraught sessions), Raven, who has a car, drives Wanda, who does not, out to see her. They're both American-born; an hour drive isn't that big a deal.

JUSTIN O’NEIL’S PERSONAL MOVERS

_ 10:16 AM _

_ hobbithole _ : aight fam im heading out

_ booyouwhore has changed the group name to  _ “RIP HARRY WE KNEW HIM TOO WELL”

RIP HARRY WE KNEW HIM TOO WELL

_ hobbithole _ : ffs bonnie im gonna be fucking fine

_ turndownforbutt _ : this just goes to prove that you would LITERALLY rather die than do even a half hour of manual labor

_ hobbithole _ : well yea

_ confirmedbachelor _ : its not even like justin has more than like three things to his name anymore

_ turndownforbutt _ : ...thx bitch love you too

_ altariawe _ : we’ll get you new things justin. im just so glad you got yourself out of there

_ hobbithole _ : speaking of, is there anything you want me to say to fell when I get there?

_ turndownforbutt _ : ...lemme think about it

_ hobbithole _ : aight fam imma let you know when I get there

_ turndownforbutt _ : thanks mate

_booyouwhore_ : we’re at the shelter now, it’ll take us about half an hour to get everything packed up, or like three hours if everyone keeps fucking chattering away like this

_ confirmedbachelor _ : so fucking noted

_ hobbithole _ : yall can work on that I brought some of the readings for my 421 class

_ confirmedbachelor has logged out _

_ turndownforbutt has logged out _

_ booyouwhore has logged out _

_ altariawe _ : have fun with homework? I guess?

_ hobbithole _ : 421 is environmental econ. fascinating stuff. its the most fun of my classes atm

_ altariawe _ : can I just reiterate what a bloody miracle I think you are harry?

_ hobbithole _ : I’ll allow it :)

_ altariawe _ : you’re a miracle and itll be an honor to watch you save the world

_ hobbithole _ : love you too doll now go do the lifting and moving and sweating bollocks

_ altariawe _ : if I bloody must

_altariawe_ _has logged out_

_ 10:27 AM _

_ petricorvid has logged in _

_ petricorvid _ : hey just dropped off wanda at therapy

_ petricorvid _ : she has asked me to submit an apology to the public forum for taking a slightly inconveniently timed few hours for self-care instead of yet again sacrificing her mental and emotional well-being for the technically unnecessary support of the hive

_ petricorvid _ : she phrased it somewhat differently, but since it started off with calling herself “selfish” I decided it was a sentiment worth recontextualizing. or some such

_ hobbithole _ : if anyone among us is selfish, its me. here I am just getting off the bus on my way to meet the most Aesthetic Murder Snake my slytherdor eyes have ever beheld

_ petricorvid _ : you have remembered the title of the book, right?

_ hobbithole _ : im using the instructions you gave me as a bookmark for my econ book, no worries

_ hobbithole _ : altho id have gone even if you hadnt needed anything, you know

_ petricorvid _ : yes ive heard your dramatic monologues about booping the snoot of Murder Snake

_ booyouwhore has logged in _

_ booyouwhore _ : hey all

_ altariawe has logged in _

_ altariawe _ : we’ve just left the shelter, mason’s driving and justin’s fretting but I have instructions to thank you yet again for the use of your truck

_ hobbithole _ : you mean in addition to the several thousand times he has thanked me already within the last twelve hours? he’s welcome

_ altariawe _ : just scrolled up. @raven text me if my presence will be required tonight

_ petricorvid _ : that’s up to wanda, love. but required or not, you know you’re always welcome in our home

_ booyouwhore _ : hear, hear

_ petricorvid _ : I thought it was “here, here”

_ altariawe _ : me too, but I could be wrong

_ hobbithole _ : as interesting as this convo is, could those of you in the moving squad ask justin to text me what he wants me to say to fell cuz im about 2 min out

_ booyouwhore _ : got it

_ altariawe _ : BE SAFE HARRY WE LOVE YOU

_ hobbithole _ : love you too. im here, the sign says theyre closed but the door is unlocked. im going in

_ hobbithole has logged out _

_ altariawe _ : YOU WAT???!

_ booyouwhore _ : you absolute fuccking madlad!

_ altariawe _ : THAT IS NOT FUCKING SAFE HARRY

_petricorvid_ _has changed the group name to_ “GOODBYE HARRY! IF THE MURDER SNAKE DOESN’T KILL YOU, EMILY WILL”

GOODBYE HARRY! IF THE MURDER SNAKE DOESN’T KILL YOU, EMILY WILL

_ altariawe _ : You. Are. Not. Wrong.

_ booyouwhore _ : well, we have arrived as well. Raven, keep an eye out for either harry’s return or their death making the headlines

_ petricorvid _ : got it. go do that lifting nonsense

_ booyouwhore _ : bitch

_ booyouwhore has logged out _

_ altariawe _ : double bitch

_ petricorvid _ : :)

_ altariawe has logged out _

_ petricorvid _ : harry you had better get me that damn book. you can die afterwards

_ 10:59 AM _

_ hobbithole has logged in _

_ hobbithole _ : of course ive got the book

_ petricorvid _ : HARRY! YOU LIVE!

_ hobbithole _ : and you lot call me dramatic

_ petricorvid _ : because you defo are mate

_ hobbithole _ : hello pot, im kettle

_ petricorvid _ : what the hell happened to you?

_ hobbithole _ : I started a voice recording on my phone

_ petricorvid _ : seriously?

_ hobbithole _ : believe it love [vr10185763]

_ petricorvid _ : ...harry you’re a fucking miracle

_ hobbithole _ : let the others know im okay. and that I never even got to see the murder snake, so there is no need to murder me

* * *

_ Transcript of Voice Recording #10185763 _

_ [The creaking of an old door opening; a soft chime of a bell; soft, careful footsteps.] _

Harry: Hello? ( _ more footsteps _ ) Anyone here?

???: The -

_ [A loud screech, the rare but unmistakable sound of textbook hitting a skull.] _

Harry: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I am so fucking sorry mate, you scared the living fuck out of me, I am so fucking sorry.

???: Fuck, ssshut up.

Harry: ...sorry.

???: Yesss, I heard you the firssst time. What are you doing in here? Did Angel forget to turn the sssign round before he left?

Harry: No, the sign said “closed”, but the lights were on, and it’s business hours, and the door was unlocked, so I figured the sign onwon the door was wrong rather than all of the other signs.

???: Well, Angel’s not here, so…

Harry: Is that Mr. Fell?

???: You know him?

Harry: Not personally, but he helped out my friend a couple weeks ago, and he chewed out another friend yesterday for hissing at his snake.

???: Ah. ( _ chuckles _ ) I heard about that. I didn’t get to meet her, but she sounded badass when Angel told me about her.

Harry: Yeah, Raven is one of the most badass people I know.

???: “One of”?

Harry: Her girlfriend Wanda is just as casually terrifying. She’s been kidnapped by terrorists at least half a dozen times now, and those are just the times she’s told me about. Add in the “grab fate by the balls” mentality of being openly trans and telling her parents to go fuck themselves when they wouldn’t call her by her chosen pronouns, and yeah. Fucking badass.

???: ...Damn. And I thought I was rebellious.

_ [Brief – awkward – silence.] _

Harry: I didn’t mean to intrude, Mr. -

???: Crowley. Anthony J. Crowley.

Harry: Harry J. Galahad. The J. in my name stands for Joshua. Yours?

Crowley: ...It’s just a J, really.

Harry _ (dubiously) _ : Well, okay, then Anthony Janthony Crowley -

Crowley ( _faintly)_ : “Janthony”?!

Harry: Do you know when your Angel will be back?

Crowley _ (quickly) _ : He’s not my Angel.

Harry  _ (even more dubiously) _ : Okaaay…

Crowley: I just – I mean – ngk, call him Fell. Angel’s just a nickname. And he’s in Italy for the day, spreading goodwill and buying up antique books and wine, I’d imagine. He didn’t go into much detail.

Harry: Damnit. I promised Raven I’d get her the book for her class.

Crowley: Which one?

_ [The brief rustling of paper, and a soft hum.] _

Crowley: Huh. That’s an... interesting one. What’s the badasss Raven need with it?

Harry: She’s studying history at uni. She says this volume is rumored to contain some fairly conclusive evidence of an openly gender-fluid individual in the time of Leonardo da Vinci. She’s usually pretty anal when it comes to queer history -

Crowley: Pun intended, I assume?

Harry: Ha! Well, now it is. Anyway, this track of research has her downright feral.

Crowley: Hm. Why didn’t she come back for it herself?

Harry: One part not wanting to further piss off Fell, three parts fear of the Murder Snake.

_ [Choking sounds] _

Harry: Alright, mate?

Crowley: Murder Snake??

Harry: Yeah, that’s what we’ve been calling it, ever since Wanda couldn’t identify it and Raven was scared that she offended it by hissing back.

Crowley: I can promise you, the snake was far from offended. And he’s not really all that bent on murdering either, regardless of his reputation to the contrary.

Harry: Well, that’s one relief. Is he here somewhere?

Crowley: Why?

Harry: I wanted to see him.

Crowley: You – You wanted to see the same snake you and your mates have dubbed Murder Snake? In person?

Harry ( _ shrug audible in his tone) _ : I like snakes.

Crowley: Even the ones that could kill you?

Harry  _ (now audibly smiling) _ : Even better.

_ [A low whistle.] _

Crowley: Every time I think I get used to your lot’s insanity…

Harry: My lot? What, queer folk? Teenagers?

Crowley: Humans.

Harry: Oh. Ha! Mood.

Crowley: ...Anyway. I’ll ring up the book for you. I’m sure Angel owes me for something or other anyhow, and this conversation has been well worth waking up for.

Harry _(chuckling)_ : High praise.

Crowley _(lightly)_ : Yep.

_ [The sounds of book being rung up, wrapped in paper, and handed off as money changes hands.] _

Crowley: You tell your friend Raven to come back anytime. I’ll tell Angel she’s alright by me, that should unruffle his feathers.

Harry: Will do. And could you pass on my friend Justin O’Neil’s gratitude? Helping him into the youth shelter and find a therapist gave him enough courage to ask out this dude he’s loved for years. He’s moving out of the shelter and into the house me and my mates all share today.

Crowley: Yeah, alright. Yeah, I can do that.

Harry: And if Fell wants to explain how he fixed his broken arm and concussion without taking him to the hospital, we’d be even more grateful.

Crowley: ...What, you don’t believe in miracles?

Harry: Ha, fair enough. Anyway, have a good fucking day, mate.

Crowley: Hm. You too.

_ [Footsteps, the creaking of a door, and the chime of a bell. The immediate rush of white noise associated with the city. End recording.] _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been sitting on this one for a couple days, but it's not getting any better, nor am I figuring out any way of improving it.  
> The next chapter may be a while coming for similar reasons, and I'll probably post a couple drabbles in the meantime, but don't worry, it IS coming.  
> The more you comment, and the more kudos you leave, the more inspiration I find.  
> Also, it just makes me happy :)  
> Stay safe, y'all  
> xxxBLMxxx

**Author's Note:**

> Help me with my self isolation and drop me a comment or some kudos! Feel free to share any ideas :)  
> Stay safe y'all


End file.
